My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
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mood
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
They got a point!
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything