I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
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My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Lmao the reply
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
My support group can outdrink your support group.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.