Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
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Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”