It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
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I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.