Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
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I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door