*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
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“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.