Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
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SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.