oh my god
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My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours