My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
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Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
This kid will have a bright future.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.