As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
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You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
A classic…
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
sigh
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]