A classic…
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wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..