“what’s it like having a sister?”
You Might Also Like
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Wait a minute
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.