If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
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This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Sounds like a bargain
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …