It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
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My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
I’m sorry…what?
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
buying dead houseplants to save time
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.