Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
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Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!