Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
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Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Every work meeting this week
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…