Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
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Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
when you order from DoorDastardly
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
A bold strategy
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Don’t talk down to me
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…