Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
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Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
I support this random dude and all his protests
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life