The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
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I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Yup
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
The symmetry is uncanny.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.