When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
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Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.