[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
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You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
#winning
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.