The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
You Might Also Like
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.