On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
You Might Also Like
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
goldfish mafia
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!