On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
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Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
My purse is deeper than some people.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Beware of fowl play.
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Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.