Beware of fowl play.
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*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Get in loser we’re going crying
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
taking June’s advice to heart
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?