taking June’s advice to heart
You Might Also Like
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.