Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
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Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Print is alive and well!!!
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?