Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…

*pizza dough plops on head*

It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!

Humans are creative.

[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.

Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.

The Job Interview:

HR: So you are bilingual?

Me: Si

HR: In your native tongue please.

Me: Ooga Booga

Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.

I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.

If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.

“I just called to say I love you.”

-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work

Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”

You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.

“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”

-anyone on road trips with me

The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.

*quits cold turkey*

*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*

How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?

Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.

CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?

SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.

The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.

i prefer mine room temperature.

Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that

[later]

Me: you have nice eyeball hair

My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning

Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’

Hubby : It’s a scarf!

Be specific when saying “BYOB”:

[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*

My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”

Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”

3yo: why do you have to die one day?

Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.

[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*

The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above

Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!

Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.

I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children

whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave

i got 100% on my daughters assignment.