If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
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TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope