Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
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Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
CRYING
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.