I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
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9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.