me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
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If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Fights fire with marshmallows
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds