Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
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I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.