I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
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My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
something like this could probably happen to anyone
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
PLEASE READ
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.