Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
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The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait