drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
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If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps