Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
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If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what