Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
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An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
consequences, the bane of my existence
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY