Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
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ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
I’m dying louder than usual today.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???