Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
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[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that