My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
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I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)