i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
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[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.