guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
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mechanics be like
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”