Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
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If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
how to have an accident 101
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
idk flipping houses looks really hard
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.