If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
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Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.