If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
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I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro