Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
You Might Also Like
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.