I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
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I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy