I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
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We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.