Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
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Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control