13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
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MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly