One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
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can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
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Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Canada has crack?
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.