[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
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Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
when you don’t want to be too vague
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.